Reminiscent

"I have prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I have asked of Him." I Samuel 1:27

Elijah,

A year ago this time we were waiting to find out whether or not the second birthmother we'd interviewed with had chosen us. We later learned she ended up parenting her baby boy. We've been blessed to remain friends with her and her son. While it was disappointing at the time, what I now know is how God has used that relationship in different ways. That little boy wasn't meant to be our son. He was meant to be your friend.

Today I've been filled with butterflies as I await the pictures of some dear friends who were meeting their baby girl for the first time. I woke up with them on my mind and I've prayed for them and thought about them off and on throughout the day. It has allowed me to fully relive all the emotions, all the memories of the day we met you.

I remember the seemingly endless drive to Ohio. We were filled with nerves. We had so much to talk about but could barely carry on a conversation because of the excitement we were experiencing. I remember daddy looking back at the empty carseat in the backseat and commenting on how it would be occuppied the next day.

I remember the night before, resting peacefully as so many had prayed for a restful night for us. We went out to dinner, went to the hotel, got our outfits ready for the big placement ceremony. We wanted everything to be perfect when we met you. Every experience was our "last" but not in a sad way - in a sentimental way marking how we had waited and prayed so long for our miracle.

I am reminded of the call - we knew Sara was meeting with you before she'd place you in our arms but the call came an hour earlier than we were told. We were so nervous walking into the room, not knowing what you'd look like. All we knew was how tiny we were told you'd be.

And finally - we laid eyes on you. What is remarkable is that I had dreamed about a placement ceremony. I don't know if I've told anyone this, but in November 2006, before we even knew adoption would be how God blessed us with you, I stood in the Vines Center watching placement ceremonies on the jumbo-trons during a fundraiser Winter Market the Godparent Home was having. I teared up as I watched Dr. Falwell place percious little ones into the waiting arms of their adoptive parents. In my heart of hearts - without knowing ANYTHING at that point - I knew one thing - I knew one day that would be me. I didn't know it would be you, but I knew God was already preparing my heart for the day we'd meet.

May 31, 2008.

A newly adoptive family said it best just the other day: "Now we know why this took so long - she wasn't born yet!"

It's true. The first interview, the second, even the other birthmothers I met in the home were all a part of God's perfect plan - but the entire time He had already chosen YOU for US.

I have fully embraced the way God orchestrated each and every step of our adoption - each and every part of the journey that led to that priceless moment of when you were placed in our arms. But what I have been quick to forget is how God PLACES families together.

You were placed in our lives specifically for us. And all the other circumstances, the disappointments, the failures, the heartaches, the confusion, happened so God could show His Sovereignty and might by bringing our family together.

What I am thankful for is the reminder - to reminisce of the day we met. To remember how God answered our prayers - but what it so important to remember is not that God answered our prayers for a baby...but that He answered our prayers to become a family. He had a plan. He knew all along. It wasn't just that we were meant to be adoptive parents - we were meant to be YOUR adoptive parents. I know that full well and I'm thankful for the reminder that there are no accidents in the life of a child of God.

Elijah, you have blessed my life more than I can even put into words. Your curious exploration reminds me not to miss the little things. Your zeal and excitement remind me to let my joy be complete in Christ. But mostly, you remind me every time I look at your sweet face that God hears the prayers of His people and He answers. I am quick to add that the answer isn't always yes to what we want. Even when the answer seems like a "no" it just means He has a greater yes planned. I love you baby boy. You are my answer to prayer.

Reflections

Disclaimer: Some of you will have no idea why I'm sharing this. Others of you, I believe, need to hear this.

I didn't blog much while we were going through the adoption process. I journaled. It was a very emotional time, and a very private roller coaster that at times I wasn't willing to share.

I've spent some time this morning reading my journal from a year ago. I was daily marking the ups and downs of our journey.

One year ago, February was a busy month. We had just had our first interview. We waited for two weeks before we heard ANYTHING only to find out we hadn't been chosen. I penned these words:

"I even somehow knew I must experience this pain if I ever want to help others in the same situation. I know all of this is part of God's plan but my heart still aches."

Fast forward a year and I know God has allowed me to share the anxiousness, nervousness, heartache and even devastation with many of you. My unanswered prayers and pain a year ago were for a reason. If it were only to be able to share with you how I survived, how God was faithful, how despite me not understanding, I was somehow still able to trust - then I wholeheartedly know God's purpose for that pain one year ago is being fulfilled.

2/19/08 - My 29th birthday. I always claim a verse for the year and last year God gave me Psalm 40:3, "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

I specifically prayed for God to answer our prayer of a baby before my 30th birthday. I also asked for opportunities to share our testimony and to minister to others going through this process.

Little did I know that scripture would prove so true. I pray for each of you to see what we've gone through and understand the miracle - and know that it has all been according to God's perfect and sovereign plan.

I need you to hear something. Yes, He answered my prayer to have a baby before my next birthday. I am sure you, too, have prayed similar prayers but not heard them answered. Understand, there were other unanswered prayers that I have now come to realize were not "no" but were God's way of saying He had a greater "yes". I pray you will receive this in peace and faith, knowing that His plan for you is perfect.

In February last year, we also went through our second interview that later proved unfruitful in regards to placement of a baby, but was purely meant for us to connect with a birthmother who now remains a very good friend.

I could go on and on about journal entries from a year ago. Repeatedly, I have written several girls names in my list of specific prayer requests - praying for them as they make decisions of placement or parenting, praying for the babies they were carrying, praying for the sometimes reluctant or difficult birthfathers... Over and over, I interceded on their behalf - not because I was seeking the child they bore, but because I wanted them to know and experience God's peace and presence during a difficult time in their lives. So many of those girls I also now call friends.

What I know, a year later, is that God does have a plan. What I also know is that plan has been so entirely different, and completely unexpected, from the plan I had. I have run the gammett of emotions from denial to depression to betrayal, to heartache, to grief, to love, to peace, and yes, to acceptance.

I can also tell you those moments of darkest despair were also the times I drew every ounce of strength from my heavenly Father. Those were the times - even though He was sometimes eerily silent - I knew He was presently working in my life.

I don't know who needs to hear this. Again I reiterate, this isn't for every one of you blog readers. This is for those of you are are looking for that "answer in the sky" - praying and waiting without an answer - asking and seeking but feeling like you're going unheard. This is for you who needed to know that someone else out there understands...and survived.

Keep Praying

I am not at Liberty to disclose full information, but I do ask that you keep praying. Not just for us, as we anxiously wait, but also for the birthmothers looking at albums, the birthfathers who seem to be increasingly difficult and the families of those involved.

We've encountered such scenarios like birthfathers who simply aren't being compliant with birthmothers' wishes for a placement plan; birthfathers who haven't or can't be located and could have up to two months to contest an adoption without proper consent; parents of the birthparents who aren't in agreement of what their teenagers should choose...

This process is not just taxing on us as we wait - sometimes going weeks and months without hearing anything - but it is extremely difficult for the birthmothers and birthfathers and family members involved in agonizing over this life-changing decision. I can't even imagine. But I do know that we've met some of them and know them by name and it makes it very real that this process is not just about us getting a baby. It is about changing more than one life.

Specifically, I ask you to join with us in prayer for:
- The birthmothers and birthfathers to encounter positive examples of adoption and to fully understand the benefits and advantages of this gift of life
- For the birthfamilies to be filled with peace and discernment as they make such a difficult decision
- To trust, know and accept God's will (for all of us involved)
- For the interview process - for the birthmothers to have wisdom as they choose the adoptive families
- For the families involved - to know and experience God's saving grace through this process, if they haven't already, and to know His perfect peace as they move on with life after the baby's birth
- For the unborn babies - to be protected and healthy and to be given God's best for their lives

We also know of one situation that will be going to court this month as a young birthmother fights the birthfather for custody. Please keep them in your prayers. Pray for protection for this baby and for God's will to be done for this family.

Thank you, prayer warrior, for standing with us in faith.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3b

We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests. Psalm 20:5

What's New?!

We so often get asked, "Have you heard anything?" The answer is not really. I like to tell everyone we're expectant parents without a due date! We are still in the 'waiting pool' which means that we won't hear anything until someone looks at our album and requests an interview. And please don't be offended if we don't tell you when we have an interview, because there are no guarantees.

It's safe to tell you we've had two interviews thus far - the first birthmother chose another family and we were devastated. But we then had perfect peace that God had closed that door for us. The second interview resulted in the birthmother deciding to parent after she had given birth.

I have been able to attend two support group events they've had at the Godparent Home where I've met the birthmothers in their care, as well as other waiting moms. These are held every other month. Last week we had 'game night' which turned out to be a great way to relax and get to know some of the girls.

So we continue to wait. And in the meantime, we do have a few other updates to give.

Work continues on the "Play Room." Ed and a good friend laid laminate floors the beginning of this week and we're finishing up the drywall. It was a difficult debate tonight in Lowes picking out the right paint color. I found a delightful plum that would have just been so pretty, but Ed was rooting for Miami Orange (as in Hurricanes). Somehow we compromised and ended up with "Turtle Green." My contribution to all this home improvement will be to paint...starting tomorrow.

In other news, we are participating in the Walk for Life on Saturday, May 3, and we're raising support from family and friends that will all go to benefit the Liberty Godparent Foundation. We have a team walking with us - my mom and sister, my roommate from college, Haley, and a friend from work, Denise. Would you consider being a part of this event with us?! If you can't walk with us, maybe you can give a tax deductible donation.

So that is the news from our home. Keep us posted on you and yours. We covet your prayers and we appreciate your understanding as we filter through what we can and can't share. Oh, and as soon as the room is finished, you're invited to come over! :)

My Will or Thine?

Life has been a complete blur the past few weeks. I've been 'living' at church for the Living Cross rehearsals and presentations. In the midst of it all, I can't quite figure out what God is doing. It seems like there's a new 'surprise' around each corner. And yet, I know He's not surprised by the circumstances that surround me. As a good friend of mine put it, "God did not slap His forehead when He heard about this." I'm so glad El Roi sees...

He's never shocked by what we face. He's not unaware of our present state. He sees, He knows, and He is Sovereignly in control.

I struggle so much with understanding how the choices of His children, the human flesh that is so capable of failure, affect His perfect plan. He gives us free will - the freedom to choose, to be, to act, to refuse. How does my choice affect His perfect plan for my life?

I'm praying for discernment, wisdom and peace. I'm asking for His Spirit to guide me. I am striving to relinquish control and allow Him to lead.

Let it be Thy will, not mine! Help me not to get in the way of Your plan.

Feeding the Flock

We're still on the swirling spinning thriller ride called "Adoption". I liken it to that first big hill that you climb ... and climb ... and climb ... Every part of you anticipates the dramatic drop that will surely throw your stomach into your throat. Once you're down the hill, you gain momentum on the straight-away, only to feel the course violently jerk as you take a sharp turn.

Last week I got to meet the girls currently staying at the Godparent Home. It was so awkward - at first - because of the obvious reasons we were all there. There were birthmoms, waiting moms, adoptive moms. Those who had experienced a miracle, those waiting for one, and others just praying for strength to make it through another day. I met girls far too young to be mothers, but that did not hide the obvious. Their growing bellies seemed a stark contrast to the braces on their teeth. Everything in me wanted to hope they didn't think I was there 'shopping'. I was more than aware of the reality that one of them just might be carrying my future son (or daughter - don't tell Ed I said that!). But I was so conscious to make sure they also knew I genuinely cared about them.

Some of them shared their stories with me. One girl came up and said she thought I was beautiful. Another one noticed how we both put hearts over the "i's" in our names. Before long, I found myself surrounded by 5 or 6 of them. In that moment, I wasn't aware that they were pregnant unwed mothers. I was only aware of the fact that they were teenage girls who I was able to connect with. I was in my element. It was just like my college days when we'd travel to a church and I would find myself in the middle of a pack of teenagers. For some reason, my personality has always been the shepharder. I was so thankful I could be myself and they could be comfortable enough with me for us to look past the real reasons we were both there.

I told Ed that once we're on the 'other side' and we have been able to adopt, I want to minister to them. I want to hang out with them, invite them to our home, let them see a godly example of a husband and wife and adoptive parents. I pray for God to use me in this ministry.

What has resulted is an awareness of praying for them by name. I don't know if they will parent or place; I don't know if one of them will choose us; all I know is the situation they each find themselves in will forever change lives. I pray for them. I pray for the children they're bearing. I pray for the waiting families they may choose to parent their children. God has brought me face-to-face with the question, "Do I love his sheep?" My answer...I want to tend the flock.

God Speaking

Waiting. When the answer is not "no" or "yes" but just "not right now" waiting can be the most difficult burden to bear. I understand this holding pattern. Our current situation lends itself to no answers, no news, just waiting. Praise God, all of our paperwork is into the agency - as well as the album - and now we wait. Not really knowing how to plan, when God will move, or exactly what His plan is. Yet, in the midst of my waiting, He is not silent!

I praise the Lord for giving me such splendid words of hope and encouragement, such feasting for my soul. A friend recently shared she was having a hard time even reading those verses of promise. I understand that. Sometimes it is hard to hear that God has a plan, to be still and wait for the Lord, or to rest under His wing. Why? Because when you're waiting for YOUR answer, your ears aren't always attuned to His voice. When we are only listening for the direct answer to our request, and when we don't hear it right away, our carnal flesh has the tendency to tune everything else out. Sometimes we even miss His voice.

"December 21, 2006 - My Anthem" is written in the margin of my Bible beside Psalm 37:4-7. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before teh Lord and wait patiently for Him..."

When I started cross-referencing this verse only recently, I found such riches!
Job 22:26-27 talks about finding delight in the Almighty, praying to Him and the promise that He will hear! Let Him be your delight. Know that your prayers do not fall on deaf ears - He hears!

Isaiah 58:14 says I will find Joy in the Lord and feast on the promised land! There is joy to be found in our Savior. He will not disappoint! Even if it is not the answer you are searching for, He still brings joy.

Jeremiah 29:13 and Isaiah 58:9 assure us He will hear and answer, "Here am I." Yes, He will answer. It may not be the answer you are looking for, but rest assured, He is there and always listening to you.

Beloved, do you know how good it is to hear His voice...even in times when you're not hearing the answer you so desperately seek?

Be still and wait patiently - one of the hardest things to do. Why do we do it? Because He will turn to you and hear your cry (Psalm 40:1). How do we do it? Finding rest in Him alone and putting our hope in Him (Psalm 62:5).

God is still speaking. He is ever-present and these 'quiet' times prove He still has something to say.

The Barnhouse Family is Growing

So the good news is our family is growing. The bad news is we don't know when. WHAT?! You may ask... Well, we are adopting. So we will officially enter the 'waiting pool' in January and we have no idea how long it will take until we become adoptive parents.

This has been a long journey. We have come to the point where we know God is leading us to adopt through the Liberty Godparent Home. As Ed says, he knew God lead him to Liberty to find his wife but had no idea this would also be the ministry God used to grow our family. We feel so blessed.

It hasn't been easy. The sheer amount of paperwork could drive a person crazy. And now the hard part is completing the album that is all about us, our lives, and who we are so that a birthmother can choose us. But soon, hopefully, it will all be worth it. Keep checking back. We'll keep you posted.