Reflections

Disclaimer: Some of you will have no idea why I'm sharing this. Others of you, I believe, need to hear this.

I didn't blog much while we were going through the adoption process. I journaled. It was a very emotional time, and a very private roller coaster that at times I wasn't willing to share.

I've spent some time this morning reading my journal from a year ago. I was daily marking the ups and downs of our journey.

One year ago, February was a busy month. We had just had our first interview. We waited for two weeks before we heard ANYTHING only to find out we hadn't been chosen. I penned these words:

"I even somehow knew I must experience this pain if I ever want to help others in the same situation. I know all of this is part of God's plan but my heart still aches."

Fast forward a year and I know God has allowed me to share the anxiousness, nervousness, heartache and even devastation with many of you. My unanswered prayers and pain a year ago were for a reason. If it were only to be able to share with you how I survived, how God was faithful, how despite me not understanding, I was somehow still able to trust - then I wholeheartedly know God's purpose for that pain one year ago is being fulfilled.

2/19/08 - My 29th birthday. I always claim a verse for the year and last year God gave me Psalm 40:3, "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

I specifically prayed for God to answer our prayer of a baby before my 30th birthday. I also asked for opportunities to share our testimony and to minister to others going through this process.

Little did I know that scripture would prove so true. I pray for each of you to see what we've gone through and understand the miracle - and know that it has all been according to God's perfect and sovereign plan.

I need you to hear something. Yes, He answered my prayer to have a baby before my next birthday. I am sure you, too, have prayed similar prayers but not heard them answered. Understand, there were other unanswered prayers that I have now come to realize were not "no" but were God's way of saying He had a greater "yes". I pray you will receive this in peace and faith, knowing that His plan for you is perfect.

In February last year, we also went through our second interview that later proved unfruitful in regards to placement of a baby, but was purely meant for us to connect with a birthmother who now remains a very good friend.

I could go on and on about journal entries from a year ago. Repeatedly, I have written several girls names in my list of specific prayer requests - praying for them as they make decisions of placement or parenting, praying for the babies they were carrying, praying for the sometimes reluctant or difficult birthfathers... Over and over, I interceded on their behalf - not because I was seeking the child they bore, but because I wanted them to know and experience God's peace and presence during a difficult time in their lives. So many of those girls I also now call friends.

What I know, a year later, is that God does have a plan. What I also know is that plan has been so entirely different, and completely unexpected, from the plan I had. I have run the gammett of emotions from denial to depression to betrayal, to heartache, to grief, to love, to peace, and yes, to acceptance.

I can also tell you those moments of darkest despair were also the times I drew every ounce of strength from my heavenly Father. Those were the times - even though He was sometimes eerily silent - I knew He was presently working in my life.

I don't know who needs to hear this. Again I reiterate, this isn't for every one of you blog readers. This is for those of you are are looking for that "answer in the sky" - praying and waiting without an answer - asking and seeking but feeling like you're going unheard. This is for you who needed to know that someone else out there understands...and survived.